


Order of the Fried Chicken, the sworn enemies of the Death Munchers

by Anerol152



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Death Munchers, Eyerolls, Gen, KFC, Not so secret secret bases, Sarcasm, The dark side of cookies, You get 2 chapters this time, hopefully, mcdonalds, order of the fried chicken, yay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-09-01 13:00:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8625385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anerol152/pseuds/Anerol152
Summary: It's what the title says folks, Crack hopefully. Warning : Worshiping of the Golden Nugget and Silver Cow; Minerva's face palms and Severus eye rolls; poor scarred children; crack; things written at 3 am and Crazy as Merlin's undergarments!Dumbles and Voldie (and Moody too)





	1. The order of the Fried Chicken

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing but this fic  
> And some other fics
> 
> Plot : Secret meeting at KFC ('Cause the DM already took McDonald's) 
> 
> Yay

All was still in the abandoned KFC restaurant. Not a single rat to be heard. All of a sudden a bright light was seen through the kitchen window. A bunch of strangely dressed figures gathered in the heart of the kitchen, right in front of the golden chicken nugget statue. They fell to their knees and started bowing to the statue while saying things like 'Long live the Great Chicken' and 'Bless us, oh golden one'.

After 5 or so minutes they stopped their worshiping of the Golden Nugget and slowly stood up. An old man took off his hood and looked at the others who quickly mimicked his actions.

"Thank you all for coming to this sacred place this lovely evening. You coming here brings great joy to me." he said, his blue eyes shining with madness.

"Was this really necessary Albus?" an old woman with the worlds tightest bun asked.

"My dear, dear Minerva, of course it's necessary! We can't have those Death Munchers know where our secret meeting happen!"

"But meeting in KFC after closing hours and bowing to a golden chicken? Have you truly lost your mind this time!?"

"That's not really  _my_  fault. They called dibs on McDonalds first, you know that."

Minerva merely raised an eyebrow as her answer. Dumbledore quickly decided to change the subject less he became a nugget himself.

"As I was saying… Welcome minions, ugh, friends, yes friends, that's what I meant." They all decided to ignore the minions part. "I will now start the 31st annual secret meeting of the OotFC at KFC." There seemed an alarmingly large amount of pride in that sentence.

"Now lets see if we're all here... An old bat and a pissed off cat?" Snape and Minerva merely glared from their corner. "Oh there you are Severus. Moving on… A super-duper paranoid bestie, bunch of ministry minions, scarred underaged minions, puppies and that person in the corner. Check, check, check and… check!" He smiled to himself ignoring the glares his 'minions' aimed at him.

"So Mad-eye old buddy, old pal, what's Tommy-boi doing these days?"

The slightly younger but equally, if not even more, crazy old man stepped up. "He's bloody mad! He makes  _you_  sound normal Albus! And those minions of his… they have their own deity now… and that's not even the worst of it!"

Gasp. "Oh no, not their own deity! Don't tell me it's a chicken as well."

"It's much worse than that Albus, it's... a silver cow!", he yelled.

Minerva facepalmed while Dumbles and Moody stressed out over the silver cow. Snape just rolled his eyes.

"Uh, Professor? What does that have to do with him trying to take over the food chain?"

"Don't you see Harry? It has  _everything_  to do with it! Who knows what sacred powers could that cow be hiding!"

"Oh you're just being a drama queen now Albus. They're only doing this to annoy you and you know it."

"But Minerva…"

"Don't you 'but Minerva' me Albus! This little 'war' between the two of you has gone on for long enough! I told you to just give that boy a chance, but nooo, why ever would you do that!? He's an abused orphan who can talk to snakes and is more powerful than you. He _must_  be evil!"

"I have a feeling like you're trying to tell me something." Minerva's eye started twitching.

"Don't even bother Minerva, he only listens to Moody and even then it's just to prove he's an even bigger drama queen than him."

"No one asked you anything Severus! Now where was I? Oh right, we simply can't let them get away with this!"

"But what can we do Albus? They got traps all over the place. No one can get through it unnoticed."

"But that's where you're wrong Kingsley. I have a plan!"

. . .

"And that plan is…?"

"Oh sorry Severus, I was just admiring this picture of a chicken nugget. Right! A plan… A plan for what?"

Everyone did that anime 'falling from stupidity of that action' thing.

"I think that's enough nonsense for one night. Now I'll finish this meeting if noone has anything against it." A pointed look to Albus stopped him before he could even say a word. "Good now let's do this 'worshiping' thing again so Albus won't complain how no one cares about the Golden Nugget and stop me from having my beauty sleep,  _again_."

They repeated their actions from the beginning and slowly left the room.


	2. The Death Munchers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plot : Official meeting at McDonalds (Because only losers like the OotFC need 'secret' meetings)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes, chapter 2,  
> I know I said 2 chapters at once but my internet decided that should be a joke. 
> 
> It doesn't like me all that much.
> 
> Just a friendly reminder, kudos and subscribes give fics life! Hits too so be sure to check it out when in need of a laugh :D

"The meeting begins now."

 

 

 

Loud popping sounds filled the room, marking the entrance of cloaked figures who quickly proceed to fall into a bow. An irritated sleep-deprived teen also appears in the corner of the room. He is unnoticed.

"Rise my minions!" They quickly proceeded to do so.

"It feels great to be here, doesn't it? For I have once again beaten the old fool! One may think of me getting McDonald's as our meeting place before him as nothing more than another small victory in this petty war of ours, but fear not my loyal servants, I will make sure that this is just the first of many victories to come."

"Excuse me for interrupting my Lord but if we may proceed to the main issue of this meeting…?"

(Insert Bella's ' _Glare of doom_ ')"Severus! One does not interrupt a Dark Lord in the middle of his speech!" Bella bellowed.

"It is alright Bella dearest, Severus does have a point. But that doesn't mean he won't be punished! From now on, Severus is to be called Snape!"

An awkward silence fills the room.

Bella slammed her hands on the table in clear shock. "Surely you must jest my Lord! That punishment is not enough!"

"You are right once again. He will also be given the silent treatment."

A faint sound of Harry hitting his head on the wall is heard. He is ignored still.

The mood is broken as a limping Wormtail enters the room, carrying a birthday cake. There seems to be a warning written in frosting on it. ' _This cake was baked by the Lestrange brothers; possibility of poison - high.'_

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday deaaaaaar Bella, Happy birthday to you!"

"Oh goodie, cake!" Bella rushed to it it and quickly proceeded to stuff her mouth wit it, pureblood etiquette forgotten in her haste.

"No, don't let Bella eat cake after midnight!" The Dark Lord whined.

Harry watched in muted horror as she proceeded to multiply right before his eyes. She somehow managed to look even more insane than usual. He prayed it was a nightmare.

"Oh great! What are we supposed to do now!?" This time, it was the Dark Lord that was baniging his head on the wall.

Snape rolled his eyes, and considered moving to a nice abandoned island.

It was another typical night on the dark side of cookies.

 


	3. The dark side of cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time : Possible murder of Albus way-too-many-middle-names Dumbledore
> 
> Plot : Minerva is still not getting her beauty sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time is not a concept I am familiar with, I also do not know or control what I write

The clock on the mantle showed half past two in the morning, but still she did not sleep.

 

Minerva McGonagall was seriously considering hexing Albus in the hope of getting him to shut up so he could leave and she could sleep.

 

She was getting too old for this kind of thing.

 

Taking a deep breath, Minerva tried to focus on what the old fool was complaining about  _ this time _ . As hard as it tried it still came down to the same thing. Voldemort was winning, again, because  _ a certain someone _ thought it would be wise to leave an actual chicken to guard the statue of ‘The Golden One’ as it was called nowadays. Seeing a Chicken Burger instead of the chicken didn't come off as much of a surprise to her. Albus, on the other hand, hadn’t taken it so well. Giving a speech that would have made Molly Weasley proud, he stormed out at full speed, intent on getting revenge. Or so it seemed. Unfortunately for her, his idea of revenge was whining about it for hours on end to the first person he was able to find at an ungodly hour of the morning. Her being that person (ninety percent of the time) was just an unwelcome bonus.   
  
She decides that  _ enough is enough _ and casts a Silencio on him. “Now listen here, Albus, I’ve been listening to you whine about this for hours already and I’ve had enough! I understand that you’re upset, but this is just plain ridiculous! You need to start acting your age, Albus! No, don’t try to interupt me, this is important. Yes, it is a shame that that chicken’s life was… wasted, but that is no reason to act this way! Yes, yes, they’ve taken your precious statue as well but you can make another one just as easily—don’t think I don’t know just  _ what _ you were doing with Nicolas Flamel—there’s no need to act like a spoilt eleven-year-old who was told he isn’t allowed to bring a broom to school!” She takes a deep breath and tries to let go of the annoyance still clinging to her, cancelling the silencing charm in the hopes Albus will finally act his age.   
  
She really should have known better by now.   
  
It takes Albus barely longer than a second before he starts complaining again, seemingly encouraged by her statement. “Oh but dead, dear Minerva, there is much more to this problem other than my poor poor chicken bravely giving up her life while trying to defend The Golden One.” Minerva barely contained the eyeroll, concerned she is turning into Severus. “We both know I am not above sacrificing a few minions here and there for the greater good of the food chain.” A look of panic appeared on his face as he realised he actually said such a thing out loud. “I mean, her loss will be remembered. Yeah, that’s totally what I meant! Lovely weather we’re having by the way, perfect for revenge! And I have just the plan to do it!”   
  
“Ignoring that statement, what exactly is your plan  _ this time _ ?” She didn’t even try to fight him on that one, she knows a lost cause when she sees one.   
  
“Glad you could see it my way, Minerva, my dear. I was thinking that we could send our deer Harry to spy on Tommy-boi - while probably mentally scarring him - and find out exactly what he is up to and then have some minions ruin that plan and bring back The Golden One with them!”   
  
Minerva chose not to say anything before she cools down as not to turn  _ him _ into a chicken nugget. “Great, another half-arsed plan that I will have to help organise and clean up after the eventual screw up. Merlin forbid you actually train your pupils instead of prancing them around like sacrificial lambs! Sigh. I guess there’s nothing I can do about it. I better just go to sleep now less this plan of yours gets even worse.”

 

“Oh we’re not quite done yet, Minerva, my dear. We still have the afterparty to plan! I was thinking of bringing some pink flamingos…” Minerva took a deep breath and tried to resist the urge to bang her head against the wall, again. “...or better yet, make the Minister deliver the invitation directly to the Bane by himself. Yes, that sounds like a great plan, don’t you think so Minerva? … 

Minerva? Minnie, are you even listening!?” But alas, it was too late for poor Minerva to hear his madness, for she had finally managed to fall asleep. “Falling asleep in the middle of a conversation! And she calls me immature!

 


	4. Breeding Bread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plan : Welcome to Hogwarts, where everything's made up and the points don't matter!
> 
> Today : Breeding bread

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had come upon this idea quite a while ago and I just remembered it and thought to myself, you know what would make sense to Albus? Breeding bread.
> 
> I am aware it is a short one but it's funny. (At least I hope it is.)

"Albus, what is that?"

Albus looked up from the book in his hands to the irritated female in front of him.

"Why it is a book about breeding bread, Minerva, my dear," he said and then went back to his book. Oh look, there's a step by step explanation on how to bake snake shaped biscuits that taste like chicken. He'd have to bookmark this particular recipe and send it to Tommy-boi later, he was sure he would enjoy it. There's no way he could go wrong with this.

Minerva simply stood there staring at him with an expression of disbelief on her face.

"Albus, you can not 'breed bread! Bread is not a living being and as such it cannot be bred."

"Ah, but that's where you're wrong!I had already bred bread!" There was no mistaking the pride one could hear in his voice.

"And where is your so called 'proof'?"

"It was the bagels we had for lunch," he deadpanned.

She continued standing there trying, with all her might, not to curse the irritating man in front of her.

"I give up," she said and promptly turned and walked out of the door while muttering to herself about all the things she could have done in her life had she just offed the man the first time an event like this happened.

"Oh, Minerva, while you're already going, could you ask Severus if he liked the cupcake I sent him? It was a new recipe I found in an old book of mine. It contains lily extract and I thought he might like it since he likes lilies so much," he called to her retreating back.

His only answer was the slamming of a door.

"I knew I could count on you, Minnie, my dear."


End file.
